I Return to You a Changed B

I went to the doctor's office this morning for the sinus infection. The PA I normally see was out today, so I actually saw my doctor! How novel.

We were able to confirm that it is indeed a sinus infection, and he gave me a prescription for Zithromax to take to knock it out. We talked about how brutal the spring has been for me--this winter was very dry (five months without rain), raising the overall pollution and particle levels of the air around the valley. He prescribed Nasonex to me--the idea is to spray it once in each nostril, once a day, to keep the sinuses open, prevent bacteria from taking hold, and hopefully eliminate future sinus infections. It won't be of help to me on this infection as it takes a week to kick in, so I'm still taking Sudafed to get rid of the congestion.

The good news is this infection didn't completely settle in my ears yet, so that's a relief. I've been in three times since the end of March for colds, bronchitis, and mainly dual ear infections. The last ones I had in May were so bad I was deaf for about two weeks.

The deafness was bothersome, and somewhat alarming. I know that when I hit my old age I will have reduced hearing, just from the damage I've suffered during my first 30 years. But everything sounded like I was underwater; I had to turn on the closed captioning on my TV to understand anything I watched. Even turning my TV up to maximum receiver volume didn't help. For those two weeks, I wondered if this is what it's like to get old, and I didn't like it one bit.

I've seen from catching up on the blogs that age is a common worry. I worried a bit about turning 30, but it hasn't bothered me much. I gave up on preconceived notions of age and maturity a while ago. It seems to me that one does not receive any special knowledge based on a particular year; cumulative knowledge gained from one's mistakes and one's path in life is much more important. Choices we make today may seem inconsequential, but can have significant importance, and second guessing can be toxic. I'll give you a little case in point:

My time in college, for the most part, was not a happy time. I worked through a lot of identity issues, faith issues, and social issues that crippled me at times, and left me barely able to function. I made choices that were stupid; I used people, hurt them, and tossed them away with barely a second thought. Then I left in silly, spectacular fashion, dropping out of sight.

A few years ago, I went through a "making amends" phase. No, I wasn't in some anonymous support group or dealing with substance issues. I was thinking about some of things I had done and the people I hurt, and I had what I thought might be a profound thought: If only I had gone to college someplace else, maybe I would have gotten my degree, and maybe I wouldn't have done such hurtful things.

Seems like a safe thought, right? If I hadn't gone, if I hadn't met those people, that part of my life wouldn't have happened. But then I started following the logic--what if I hadn't gone to Tusculum?

• I wouldn't have those few, cherished memories of spending breaks in Atlanta with Wade, doing my radio show, and driving to Asheville in February with Alicia and Jesse to see Ani DiFranco.
• If I had a degree, it would likely be in History. I only switched to Theatre based on the people I knew in my theatre department.
• Big parts of who I am today were formed from the freedom I had in college to make those difficult choices and sow my wild oats, so to speak. Many lessons may not have been learned, and the patience and temperance I see in myself today might not have developed.
• I never would have gone to the computer lab when we got internet access, and I wouldn't have met Tom.

That's the big kicker. Tusculum got World Wide Web access at a specific time, and the 'Net is large place. I doubt I would have met Tom through a different site at a different time. Where would I be today without that? Sure, leaving school and flying halfway across the country to meet someone I barely knew was a dumb, dumb, dumb thing to do, but I got lucky, and it worked out, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without such a wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, and employment that has provided us with a nice house, a comfortable lifestyle, and a good life.

Tooz commented that she knew I had grown up during my visit to the house Derby weekend because I wasn't going straight to the poop jokes. She's right. I still enjoy good poop jokes, but I haven't "grown up" because I performed some rite of passage or turned a magical age. I am who I am today because of the hurtful, impetuous person I used to be; while I regret the hurt I caused, it was necessary. Don't think that I'm advocating some "ends justify the means" approach with carte blanche to stomp on people willy-nilly--that's missing my point.

Sometimes, when we travel, I think we have to go through the brambles and deal with the scratches, the bug bites, and the poison ivy, not just to make it to our destination, but to make the destination worthwhile. I think the pain and struggle helps us appreciate what we have more than if it were just handed to us. And I think it's a necessary part of the journey for us to continue to grow and accept what life gives us, attain the maturity to continue going, and the patience and will to enjoy a life well-earned during our "old age".