I am actively asking for advice--I want to say that upfront. I am completely befuddled about what to do, and I welcome any suggestions.
CJ will be 4 in December, and we've been working on potty training for almost a year. We had backed off a bit when it became clear that he had the concept and could control his bladder but was seeing potty training as a control issue. Rather than press the point and come to an impasse, we pointed out the potty, explained that we'd like him to use it, and left it be.
Occasionally, he would go on the potty, but more often he chose his pullup. We tried using daycare as an incentive--we already knew from his teachers that he was in the last room until he was potty-trained and that many of his friends had already gone to the next room. A few weeks, the woman who runs the daycare approached us about moving CJ on into the next room. She explained that she was positive that he could go on his own, but was choosing to be lazy since he could have a pullup changed rather than stop what he was doing. She also felt that since he was nearing four, and many of his classmates had just turned three, that he was too comfortable in his routine and needed the additional mental stimulation (the new room is set up like preschool).
After discussing the pros and cons, we agreed. The transition took place within a week. He's been in the new room for a few weeks and the change is incredible--except for potty-training, and not the way I expected:
He goes without complaint during his time at daycare. He stays dry, goes when prompted, goes on his own, and really seems to love going potty. At home, nope. We put him in underwear and celebrate his successes, but he will usually pee on the floor rather than go to the toilet. Just tonight I've changed three wet pairs of underwear and Tom changed one pair of poopy underwear.
He knows he needs to use the potty--he tells us he peed on the floor instead of going. He doesn't seem to have bladder issues since he can be dry through the night and doesn't have this trouble at daycare.
For whatever reason, he is just refusing to go at home.
We've tried stickers, toys, and books as incentive. I've even offered Dum-Dums. None of it matters. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm trying to be patient like I'm supposed to be for potty accidents, but I really don't think this is about accidents. Part of me wants to enact consequences like I do when he doesn't listen or willfully disobeys in other ways but I don't want him to get mixed signals.
Any suggestions?
No Gifts
2 days ago
7 comments:
Sorry, don't have any suggestions for you. Just keep in mind that it could be worse. Think of all the trouble he can get into at the age of 16. At that point in time you might actually prefer to be dealing with poopy underwear.
Sounds to me like he's turned it into a control issue - him controlling you and Tom. I really think he's at a stage where he's testing you to see if he can keep on getting away with it. Maybe if next time he pees in the floor you make him clean it up (while still wearing the wet, clammy, peed or pooped in underwear). I'm not saying to make him wear it so long that he gets a rash - that would be horrible. Maybe if you had him keep it on long enough so that it became really uncomfortable, he would decide he really didn't like having to wear nasty underwear and cleaning up his own pee. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes Mommas have to do the unpleasant if it's going to make things more sanitary for their kids later (I know, I don't have to tell you that. I'm just reminding you).
Please don't think I'm the world's harshest mother, I'm just recalling some things that I've heard some moms discuss that actually sounded like a good idea to me.
Miss ya great big bunches!
I was just about to say the same thing as Jenn: have him clean it up. I was also thinking he could clean up the underwear. When one of our three year olds pees on the floor, we say, "Get some paper towels and clean it up." After they've dried it, we spray with a cleaning solution and have them mop it up with a cloth. We give them a plastic bag for their wet clothes and hand them their change of clothes and then they change themselves. Wipes are available in the restroom. Same for poopies, but if it's too bad, like if it had been on them for a while before we discovered they had pooped (this has happened with two students this year--one was disenrolled, the other has since overcomed her potty issues), we have to call the parent to take them home and give a bath. Anyway, he's old enough to go and has chosen not to, and instead to make a mess, so he needs to clean it up. Your panties are dry--why should you clean it up?
I like Ann's and Jenn's answer to this question. What I read from John Rosemond (not sure of the spelling, but he's my child-rearing guru--wish he'd been around when my kids were little!)is very similar to what Ann says. But he adds a punishment element--for instance, if the kid messes or pees more than once,He goes to his room, stays there except for his meal, and then goes to bed one hour early. Rosemond says if the kids complains, you tell him/her that "the doctor says" he is a big boy now, and he must not be getting enough sleep, if he's messing (or peeing) his pants at home. He says using "the doctor says" takes the onus off the parent. Sounds like a good plan to me. Good luck!
Nothing untoward about the deleted comment. I posted under the wrong ID:
THanks for the suggestions. What we decided to do is take away a privilege for each accident (playing on the computer, watching TV in our room, eating a treat from his Halloween pumpkin, etc.)
We made it clear that we were doing this because he was choosing to go somewhere inappropriate rather than take a break and use the potty. We've seen a decrease in the number accidents (yesterday, he had only two the entire day!) and he's much more amenable to suggestions to go.
We've also paired this with a bit more attention to his routine--we tell him every hour and a half to two hours to go sit on the potty, and he usually goes. I wonder if he realizes he can go unprompted. We're giving special presents for a good day and I'm feeling much more hopeful about this than I was last week.
It almost makes me wish we could do like the Matrix--jack him in and download the potty program. Whoosh! DONE!
LOL. Glad to hear things have improved! If I only could download the "proper attitude and not giving the mother-figure any crap" program, we'd be doing fine!
Kidding. I'm just getting frustrated because the terrible teens have accellerated to become the "terrible tweens"! Most of the time, Jamie is his usual sweet self. But every once in a while, a snot-nosed brat with an attitude from hell shows up! Grrrrr!
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